beyond words___

jillyin20 @ 2006-02-26T13:20:00

2006-02-26T18:30:56Z

So I've made it a habit to continually read all of your livejournals, and i assure you my friends page gets a bunch of use. Unfortunately, though, i've let the poor little URL www.livejournal.com/users/jillyin20 die for the most part.

I decided randomly to resuscitate it.

I'm back!

jillyin20 @ 2006-01-06T19:07:00

2006-01-07T00:58:02Z

Boy I wish i could go back in time to my last entry..
at least then i had an effing life...

That was me, getting ready to go off to school, worried about spending my time effectively, squeezing visits with 4 people into one day, and ya know how i did it..
... i drove.
i made my own plans and they revolved around me and who i wanted to see, and where i wanted to go, and do what i wanted to do..
... ya know what i've been doing since i got to school.. i've been making my own plans to see who i want to see, go where i want to go.. do whatever the hell it is that i want to do..

well ya know what:
Spending 24 hours a day alone.. does not cover seeing who i want to see.
Not leaving my house... does not constitue going where i want to go.
Forming my personalized television schedule from 9am-12am... is NOT doing what i want to do!!!!!!!!!

i'm soo effing fed up with this, i'm 18 and i'm stuck in my god-forsaken house growing so sick of it that i have 2 options
a) go insane
and
b) throw a temper-tantrum appropriate for those no older than 3
and take out my anger on my brother, my father and my mother simultaneously because i'm in such a bad mood.

...so you think.. oh good you have a nice relaxing vacation just resting and not having to worry about anything...
i wish i had a job...
ya know how sister paulette always talked about how without work your life feels worthless, well let me tell you, she's most definitely 100% right.
if i worked i could pay my own fucking insurance, and i would, let me tell you i don't give a shit whether my car is sitting in the driving not being used or not... i would pay 3 million fucking dollars to be able to get in my car and drive somewhere... anywhere right now!!!!!!
Fuck this.. i'm going to sleep.. yeah.. its 8 o'clock

ps. thank you to my wonderful friends who have
a) put up with coming to pick me up in the stix of the earth
b) kept me occupied
...i'm beyond appreciative for your attempts and successes at breaking up this worthless monotony that has become my life for the past 3 fucking weeks...
i love you

jillyin20 @ 2005-08-20T21:47:00

2005-08-21T02:24:07Z

I'm beyond confused.
but its an okay kind of confused.
i just don't know how i'm supposed to be spending my time.
and i don't want to leave with regrets about how i spent it
or miss anything important.
am i supposed to be cramming goodbye visits into my schedule?
is it too early for me to start packing?
i never know if i should be saying my goodbyes to people yet?
if i do, i'm sure i'll see them again and that'll be awkward
if i don't, i probably won't and that'll simply suck.
summer reading seems like such a waste of these "precious moments"
^how gay am i?!^
but it obviously has to be done.. blegh
i don't ever want this summer to end
but i can't wait to be there.
its getting there that's sucky
its this week that is getting to me.
i don't really know what to do with myself.
flying by the seat of my pants has worked all summer
why do i doubt its effectiveness now... lol
i just solved my own effing problem :)
wing it jill!
yay new life!
me

jillyin20 @ 2005-08-11T09:23:00

2005-08-11T14:03:12Z

It was so short-lived... i hate how one (though seemingly nice) guy can ruin something so wonderful. storytime:
setting the scene:
Jill sits on the side of the road by the reservoir on a blue towel, with her backpack at her feet, crackers and water laid out and pen in hand. The view is unbelievable and i don't know that its hit me yet that its down the street from me. So now i'm in deep thought
AND POW!!!!!!
some stupid guy taps me and the shoulder and scares the shit out of me.. he said hi, i was freaking inside because, although there are cars that drive by like one at a time, there's still nowhere for me to go except like in the water. so i had my cell in hand and stayed, at least on the outside, cool as a cucumber. But really it was scary, because #1 i bike there because there's nowhere to park.. so he had to have parked down the street and walked.. who does that?!?! and all to say that he thought i'd found a cool spot and he wanted to see the view from there. ( SKETCHY!!!!! ) i don't think so aaaaah... so long story short.. he hung around for a little while, making convsersation.. me staying basically silent except for an uh huh or two.. then he left.. and once he was out of sight... so did i..

:( never to return.

so i decided to take the advice of everyone i've told this story too and of course, listen to the huge butterflies that were present in my stomach.. and start going to the more populated, less-threatening side of the water..

the end.

a saddened me

continuation #1

2005-08-09T14:57:41Z

*day of food and shopping with katy
*more eating with mickle
*shopping at ppm with amanda
*Ben & jerry's to visit liz
*sleepover at the pacitti's
*jean ripping day with katy :)
*complete BR reunion #1
*EJWBL!!! yaaay wiffleball and complete BR reunion #2.. (better than ever)
*beach with andrew and amanda.. dinner then meeting up with colin for a night swim
*incomplete angel meeting / yearbook shindig this evening

... to be continued :)

jillyin20 @ 2005-08-03T15:17:00

2005-08-03T20:03:12Z

Welcome back to the way things used to be Jill. haha My friends have reasonably decided it best to begin making fun of me, as they used to, for my mid-moment sighs of happiness and general statements of better than well-being. I say reasonably because the above said occurences that provoke their comments are again becoming overly frequent. In other words.... I'm happy!

talk about living life to its fullest.

These past few weeks has been so packed and so busy and so genuinely beautiful:
*unexpected four day beachhouse stay
*watching my talented friends in Aida
*intervention/reunion evening with the girls
*block island day trip
*patrick visit
*late night movies with amanda
*beachday with the brown's
*Ben, Jen and family day
*party at the pacitti's
*being a beach bum with liz
*spaniard send off partay
*trip to the zoo with mcauley village and mercy action
*evening of shopping with andrew
*pooltime at the pacitti's
*Jill day with Jill and her books
*incomplete but worthwhile boilerroom reunion this evening

^ there's the recap..
for now.. hehe there's still so much summer left!

xoxo me

jillyin20 @ 2005-07-30T13:40:00

2005-07-30T18:15:31Z

List 10 things in a day that give you a moment of joy, and tag five of your friends...
1. sunshine
2. relaxing on the beach
3. amazing conversations
4. girls nights
5. bikeriding to my reservoir
6. Ben
7. singing in my car
8. realizing where i live.
9. unexpected phonecalls
10. Mom

tagged by: star2b519

tagging: burntwondrbread, justasmrtkid13, sunday_comic, rainingpeace, sugapye5587

I just got my roomates... they seem awesome and just like me and i'm super psyched...
mmmm i'm all smiles.

jillyin20 @ 2005-07-24T20:22:00

2005-07-25T00:56:49Z

I finally have a spot. its been claimed and i love it and its gorgeous and close to home and semi-dangerous and a little bit scary sometimes.. but that makes it all the more wonderful. i wanna be there. ugh

life is surprisingly wonderful and i love it.. and if you tell me i'm lying, i'll say it again, i'm so happy and inspired and excited and anxious and full of hope and everything i should be the summer before school and soaking up every single solitary second.

Jill... to be continued

:)

...to spark your curiosity

2005-07-14T05:47:41Z

yea so i sort of lied.. just a little bit, just a tiny little fib in the last entry..

.. and its been a fun lie too..

only fair

2005-07-11T05:00:54Z

I'm in florida, which you should have figured out by now because i've been gone long enough for you to miss me.
2 weeks is a long time, but i've had fun so far.
3 weeks is even longer and i assure you the fun is to continue.
So i'm having a good time, its been low-key fun due to highly uncooperative weather and a few adorable rugrats, but its so worth it. Joelle and i busy ourselves with silliness and laughter that could easily be mistaken for drunkeness.. haha but i assure you, it isn't.
I feel good.. alive and well and very ready for some adventure.. which is inevitably coming, sometimes you can just tell.
I shouldn't have had that coffee an hour ago.. oops
Don't have much else to say.. but i miss everyone terribly.. leave me one..
jill

yeck

2005-06-28T02:30:05Z

Unwarranted jealousy is a major bitch

jillyin20 @ 2005-06-24T18:16:00

2005-06-24T23:03:02Z

Pick 20 random people… i'm going to copy kait and use my cell

1. Ben
2. Pat
3. Joelle
4. Kait
5. Kate
6. Danielle
7. Katy
8. Bridget
9. Amanda
10. Andrew
11. Colin
12. Morgan
13. Christina
14. Wayne
15. Emily
16. Matt
17. Liz O
18. Alyssa
19. Megos
20. Kelley Belles

1. Is #9 a boy or a girl? girl
2. Would #1 and #2 make a good couple? not quite.. but they're cute together
3. How about #18 and #4? too random
4. What grade is #17 in? college freshman
5. When was the last time you talked to #12? ummm.. sunday
6. What is #6's favorite band? dunno
7. Does #1 have any siblings? Me!!!
8. Would you ever date #3? no.. haha
9. Would you ever date #7? not only is she a girl, but she's my cousin.. maybe if i lived in West Virginia
10. Is #16 single? yessum
11. What's #15's last name? Boucher
12. What's #10's middle name? James.. i believe
13. What's #5's favorite thing to do? be hot!
14. Is #13 hot? quite!
15. Would #14 and #19 make a good couple? oh my lord that's the scariest combo i've ever heard of!!!!!
16. What school does #20 go to? Bay View
17. Tell me a random fact about #11: His middle name is Patrick and he has a puppy named Bitsy
18. And #3. Her middle name is Lee and she has a kitty named Jingles
19. Have you ever had a crush on #15? mmm hmmmm *blush*
20. Where does #9 live? miles away from civilization.. jk that's me.. warwick neck
21. What's #4's favorite color? uhhh blue? i hate that question, so lame
22. Would you make out with #14? EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW
23. Are #5 & #6 best friends? actually yeah!! cool
24. Does #7 like #20? they've never met.. but yeah they'd like each other
25. Does #8 like #19? oddly enough they have met.. and yeah
26. How did you meet #2? long awesome story that you've all already heard 100 times
27. How did you meet #18? geez i don't remember meeting her at all.. she was just always there.. lol
28. Does #10 have any pets? hmmm.. not sure really
29. Is #12 older than you? yep
30. Is # 17 the sexiest person alive, or what? most def

My list

2005-06-12T05:37:04Z

Here's to:
*early morning entries
*summer friends
*being late for curfew
*owning a pool
*stealing quarters for gas money
*scary scituate darkness
*new beginnings
*2am venting sessions
*kites on the beach
*goats
*sleeping on the couch on weekends
*graduating
*fading sunburns
*swatting farm flies
*being a groupie
*unsuccesful job hunts
*having no fear
... we'll leave it at that for now.

i love life.

&u

me

jillyin20 @ 2005-05-06T12:04:00

2005-05-06T16:36:44Z

Long time no chat...

busy busy.. such is life. Schools a major drag.. i've been lied to. Senior year is tough shit.

I got everything i needed to done for today. Its nice being able to go to class without hanging my head in shame. Instead it hung with exhaustion.. i'm busy trying to decide which is better.

Cabaret is over.. tears were relatively limited, as were feelings in general really. About everything that's seniorlike. I'm just going through the motions. i wonder when it'll hit me. My guess: August 26th. (yes that was a completely random date.) :)

If i were with pat, i believe i would be doing much head-scratching today. I'm almost doing it alone, which is unusual. There's some things you can only do with certain people. Head-scratching is one of them. Ha! I love you.
Thank you kind sir, i'm addicted to yahoo pool again.

AP Bio on monday... it is a big deal really. Some people think otherwise.. they're wrong. Not doing well is like.. i don't know, working in a soup kitchen overtime for your whole life to get into heaven and then being doomed to hell anyway because you had fun one night of your life. Nonsensical i feel.

AP Psych on tuesday... that's a different story. what has received little of my attention all year will receive just as little this weekend.

I'm enjoying myself thoroughly.. i like being dry.
I feel like i sound like eeyore. is that bad? because i'm not really melancholy.. just tired... and mellow..yes i'm very mellow.

Patty voice: I'm tired...
you know what that means. i love life.

ta-ta homefry

jillyin20 @ 2005-04-01T11:15:00

2005-04-01T16:46:27Z

I feel lazy..
i am lazy..
whatever i was so pissed off last night trying to start it that i don't care.
What is the what is... how does it relate to our reading of copenhagen.. why is everything that she says an embellished hypocrisy meant to make her sound more intelligent than she actually is while "subtley" slipping in her own person biases and hoping that her facade of intellectualism will cover up the fact that half of what she's teaching us is her political viewpoints and personal opinions. You cannot lecture on subjectivity and believe that every word coming out of your mouth is the "what is", at the same time... Its impossible, its pure contradiction... and i despise it...
i'm still pissed off.. but i'm actually going to write this thing the way I feel it should be written... And i do realize that I have no right to do this... i have relatively no knowledge of philosophy.. but who really does? you can attend classes on it but all you can learn is somebody elses subjective view on the world and never, as hard as you may try, get to the what is anyway.. teachers are in no way infallible.. and i'm ashamed at how long it took me to realize that but i did.. i'm going to write this paper and its going to reflect what i have learned from this class, not what she wishes i would have learned from it.

phew...:)

high on life

2005-03-31T21:54:39Z

I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!

jillyin20 @ 2005-03-30T08:33:00

2005-03-30T14:07:52Z

I will agree that my brother is irresponsible, at times lazy, and a normal, though only semi-promiscuous adolescent boy. But daddy, this whole "Jill, i need you to stay home today with ben cuz i'm not gonna be here; you need to wake up at 6 on your day off so that he doesn't miss his bus" thing is a bit much, come on now, he's in 7th grade... give the poor guy a break, he doesn't need a babysitter anymore, particularly a babysitter who wants to get out of the house and/or sleep at the appropriate times.

I adore wednesdays:
*** so i was awoken (word?) at 6, but i moved to the couch and slept there till 8:30
*** getting in a good lj update
*** hopping on the gazelle for a half hour
*** shower
*** dentist at 10:20
*** home & homework like wow...
*** dramafest at 5:15
*** cabaret at 7:00
*** phone with pat for the remainder of the evening because its our 10 month anniversary. :):):) why i'm so hyped up about this particular one i don't know.. 10s just a good number.. its not like 9mos where its like embedded into your head that "that's how long it takes to have a baby.. deeehd aklgjiwo" <--- those were the noises of a retard. i like 10; the bigger the number the better <33

Sooo i'm running out of time.. if i don't get on the gazelle now my whole schedule will be messed up... AAAAAAAH *i'm doing that yell that mcauley culkin does in home alone after he's done shaving*.. why?, dunno.. just seemed right.

the end

its delightful.. its delicious its de-lovely

2005-03-30T02:42:22Z

Bay view Players = Rodi Roadies

the first sign of spring - majorly conflicting schedules.. isn't it wonderful

The rickshaw must love springtime at the bay... tuesdays are hot with my favorite seniors and that wonderful marsh who should be one.
*** This must be said: Even though i was kidding around and such with the Jill=moocher thing.. i really am truly sorry about it ***

Meg i'm going to hell with you... i left work 1 hr. and 45 minutes early.. ha! oops

I loooooove wednesdays and seniorhood.

I believe i adore the pacittis

sleepy

ta ta

jillyin20 @ 2005-03-17T14:47:00

2005-03-17T20:06:00Z

An eighth of me wishes you a Happy St. Patrick's Day... i'd say that irish blood is in my short stubby legs.. so Happy St. Patrick's Day from the bottom of my irish legs!

The rest of me says where the hell is the French holiday.. not that i'd particularly care to celebrate it.. there's nothing good about being french except berets and meat pie.

... And i was doing so well.. updating every few days, what happened you may ask.. well its simple, i tend to update when there's nothing of any importance going on and then when i have things i wanna write about they back up until i can't catch up.. i get frustrated and this thing ends up lonely for varying periods of time.

Today was pretty cool.. i thoroughly enjoy how this is seriously the most important holiday at this school.. the president is hosting a mini-party across the hallway with little shamrock cookies and green punch and saying happy st. joseph's day to everyone who looks even slightly italian so as to remain politically correct. She's cute. I love my job.. i'm now eating a shamrock cookie :).. i suppose i should feed it to my legs.. seems only right.

We left chamber class singing O Danny Boy and, at Kav's suggestion, we carried it out into the hallway with us, in three part harmony of course! Ha so fun..
That's what i'm going to miss about this place, random outbursts of song.. and continuing to sing even when no-ones listening or they're telling us to shut up..

I'm gonna get going.. catch ya later...

jillyin20 @ 2005-02-28T17:51:00

2005-02-28T23:17:46Z

Your College Life by highfivejunkie

Username

What will you study?

Your Roomate

star2b519

The Football Player

ash2889

The Cheerleader

rainingpeace

The Band Geek

pinkstiletto

Highly involved in their Frat/Sorority

misanthropix

The Crazy Drunk

sugapye5587

The College Slut

fallingsapphire

Your Significant Other

justasmrtkid13

The Creep that sneaks into girl's showers

exoticlychaotic

Likeliness you'll graduate: 89%

Quiz created with MemeGen!

hehehe..
#1 ~ oh my kait.. how many times have we discussed the fact that we could never ever ever room together.. :) haha love ya though
#2 ~ eeeh..
#3 ~ molly.. a cheerleader.. that would be interesting
#4 ~ chelles a band geek.. i could see it.. lol jk
#5 ~ yah right
#6&7 ~ lau the crazy drunk and d the college slut.. how i love the 2 of you :):)
#8 ~ so i'm going steady with my cousin huh.. interesting
#9 ~ HAHAHA chryssy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

'twas quite fun i must say.. thank you kait

jillyin20 @ 2005-02-25T09:20:00

2005-02-25T15:03:00Z

Please make sure to note my mood before continuing...

... i'm very frustrated with the fact that my mother and brother aren't home yet:

1) i need my mom to schedule me a doctors appt for school-to-career and she hasn't done it yet.. because she was supposed to do it when she came home.. well now, we're cutting it pretty damn close aren't we.. when's it start.. oh yeah, wednesday.

2) i'm stuck at home in the mornings... okay so i have most of my bio done and sometimes its relaxing, but do you have any idea what its like to live in east guam and to depend on people for rides all the time and be afraid to go anywhere because you might get stuck there and not be home in time for something else. To not be able to get the things you need to done because you have no way of moving any further than ur driveway.. i depend on her and she's gone my entire vacation.

3) at least if i was gonna be home all day i could play with ben... but he's gone too.. and we promised each other that we were gonna make up for all our missed hallball games this week.. guess not. i miss him enough already, geez come home will ya.

4) and they get my hopes up too.. it would be one thing if they had just said oh yeah we're gonna come home friday instead.. but every night its.. oh they're staying another night.. and another.. they'll be home late friday.. i wouldn't be surprised if they came home tom.

other things are on my mind too:

1) i should've slept at joelle's last night.. and i'm kicking myself so hard because i didn't.. and look where it got me, at home in my bathrobe. UGH.. sorry joe.

2) i'm sad that i also could've been at the studio with the band last night... not that there was anything anyone could do about it... just sucked sitting at home knowing there were two places i could've been..

3) ENOUGH ABOUT THE POPE.. my goodness i'm sitting here watching some news channel that my dad is obsesses with, dunno why i haven't changed the channel yet.. but GEEEZIS... as if the world doesn't hate the catholic church enough... this stupid 24 hour coverage on the MAN'S health is going to drive me up a huge effing wall.

4) i'm hungry and tired

oy...

tonight should be fun.. out with pat andrew amanda joe and marcia.. dunno where.. and i haven't even called andrew back.. i should do that.. but i'm looking very much forward to it..

i think i'm gonna go sledding down my driveway to pass the time.

bye

jillyin20 @ 2005-02-23T14:21:00

2005-02-23T20:19:02Z

i'm so happy i didn't go to New Hampshire and here's why:

sunday ~ went to target with joelle so she could pick up stuff for the trip to NY that she is currently on. We had as much fun as we usually do there, looking at small electronics and slightly larger ones, an oriental rug and a former classmate who we avoided at all costs (an adventure in itself). Then to taco bell where we reaked havoc by throwing trash in a recently emptied trashcan.. oh my! and eavesdropped on a saints drama rehearsal, where we plotted to steal ms. hepburns attention and commented on mr. murray's slight drunkeness. woo!

monday & tuesday ~ went to pats and then he came here halfway through becoming detectives where we sat on our bums watching a wonderful movie that must've been torn apart by critics and ate mac and cheese. then we went sledding down the driveway.
tuesday we actually got out of a house and went to visit endicott with dan. 'Twas quite fun because we met monk reincarnate and got a free lunch, banana included. yaaaay!! two unbelievable days that may seem lazy and semi-pathetic to the average jill/pat "you spend too much time together" skeptic, but to me, they were full of promise and happiness... and i'm breathing.. long, time-passing breaths.

wednesday ~ i've spent the entirety of the morning sitting around in a bathrobe.. which i never do. I never even had a bathrobe until this christmas when mommy bought me a fluffy green one to match my pjs and slippers. so i decided to sit in it all day.. i did laundry and watched regis and kelly and lots of tlc, and made the mac and cheese pat bought me for valentines day and plucked 1 eyebrow so far. that's how bad they were i did one and had to take a break. yeesh! so i'm gonna go finish my plucking and then katy's picking me up and i'm goin out with her and sarah. then to scituate basketball game to see chris reach his 1000 points! so fun!!!
later

* Lists *

2005-02-20T20:29:24Z

I gave up playing all of the following for lent (in order of importance):
1)solitaire
2) pinball
3) free cell
4) hearts
5) minesweeper (would be ranked much higher, however i can only play at work because i don't have a real mouse on dad's laptop at home.. its gets frustrating.)
6) snake on my phone.

due to the lack of time-wasters available, i will be spending much more time here in order to keep my semi-add self occupied. not that i have much to talk about anyway, but my fingers are moving.

Mom and Ben went to new hampshire without me this morning.. i don't know quite how i feel about that yet.
***Pros***:
1) could've gone shopping with auntie jayne and mom
2) quality time with grampa
3) skiing opporunity
4) not home all vaca as usual
5) probably would've gotten my bio out of the way on the carride
6) would've stopped to see St. A's on the way home
***Cons***:
1) i'm sick and miserable and would've been miserable while there, who wants someone like that on their vacation.
2) going would've gotten everyone sick*** i wasn't really wanted
3) would only be coming home on wednesday
a) there goes half of vaca
b) already have plans for tuesday and wednesday
4) i don't get to go shopping at the outlets
5) there's noone else there to be with
---> mom, auntie jayne, uncle mike, ben, evan, michaela, and grampa... no bridget
6) its cold up there

so there you have it..

my plans for vaca are as follows:
1) read e=mc2 for lit
2) get bio out of the way
3) quality time with the following:
---> pat, joelle, amanda and andrew, katy and bridget, ben.. when he comes home that is and kait, kate and d
4) get all my picture frames painted and on my wall
5) pluck my eyebrows
6) do laundry
7) get the paper signed by my church for sarah
8) get my bci check and tb test done for school to career

Haha let's see what else can i manage to list in this entry, not coming up with anything..
going shopping with joelle later, call me
muah

jillyin20 @ 2005-02-18T12:29:00

2005-02-18T17:46:17Z

I've found a time to consistently update, period 7 economics.
Pate was smart and decided that we shouldn't start a new chapter on the last day of school before vacation, so we have the end of the period to "chill"... its weird enough when i say chill.. but pate.. come on that's really really odd.

chrissy's looking at prom dresses, i think i may actually buy one for senior prom..

i was filling out a survey, ran out of time.. maybe later
toodles

jillyin20 @ 2005-02-16T14:15:00

2005-02-16T19:32:12Z

In economics with chrissy...waiting for the bell to ring.

Me and philosophy have a very love hate relationship. I love the subject, but dread the class more than any other this year because i have come to despise dr. sullivan rather quickly. i thought maybe i wasn't giving her a fair chance, and maybe i really haven't, but everyone else seems to agree that she isn't quite the teacher i had her built up to be.. unfortunately. But today i stumbled upon something good about her.. she appreciates good movies. I went to class directly from psych where we finished kramer v. kramer, so i was emotional to begin with, but we'll disregard that because by the end of the movie she showed i was unable to breathe. ...title: "instinct", go rent it
I'm so ashamed , and just totally overwhelmed and i don't know how else to put it, this is so frustrating i wanna be able to explain how i feel right now because my emotions are so strong but i can't.. and people wonder why i don't update because this is what happens..
.. go rent the movie then we'll cry together and u'll know what i mean.
gotta run and go play the game..
me